#i wouldve just left the house in the afternoon

[orangerainforest]

🌻

[jamsandsuch]

found an old draft of something i wrote in 2020. i'm not much of a creative writer anymore but i think 18 year old me wouldve wanted this out somewhere. wc: 679 words

I twist the ring around my finger, and the gemstone giggles in the afternoon sun.

"Do you wanna talk about him, Win?"

"Mmm." Light trickles through the slat blinds, sunlight like maple syrup and honey poured onto her pancakes. Ground coffee and Bossa Nova. A boxy TV hanging from the corner of the diner hums then crackles and pops with static. Grandma looks at me, waiting for my answer. I don't know what to say. Where do I even start when it comes to you?

I think about the newspaper on your kitchen counter.

"Convenient how they just give out all this gardening material for free, yeah?"

"Pretty sure you're supposed to be reading the newspaper."

You wrinkled your nose. "You read the newspaper? No wonder you're such a downer."

"No idea what you're talking about. I like having fun."

"Oh yeah?" Your fingertips were caked in soil in a way that would've made mom scold me.

"Jesus - wash your hands, country boy."

"Learn to get yours a little dirty, city girl." You wiggled your fingers around my face to spook me as chips of dirt fell from your fingers and onto the wood floor. There was a ghost of a child's checkerboard grin in your smile, like the boy you must've been all those years ago never really went away. I laughed and swatted your hands away but you grabbed me, holding me in a tight hug while I tried to wriggle free. You lips tasted like strawberries. They always tasted like strawberries.

"Just you wait. We'll have a big ol' house with a garden. All that space to run around. Whaddaya think, Winnie?"

I'd like to imagine that we would've planted a strawberry patch in that garden. That whenever I missed you I'd have a whole grove of your kisses growing on bushes.

"You would've loved him."

"Did you know he was sick?"

"He didn't tell me."

You didn't want to. When you called me you apologized. Said you were being so selfish. You asked me to leave. Begged me to hate you. But I couldn't.

"Loving anyone is pretty selfish anyway, isn't it?"

"You're too good to me."

I stomach a mouthful of my pancake and think of how it tasted so much better than the garbage they were feeding you in the ICU. Maple syrup pooled on my tongue, bittersweet as I knew this was the kind of breakfast you deserved to wake up to.

Your skin was the color of caramel and toffee, lightly baked from the hours you spent in the sun, but when I'd come to visit you I'd watch the color slowly leach from your face. it might've been the blue-white hospital lamps, or it could've been your body missing the daylight.

The last time I saw you awake there was a milky film over your eyes. Your gaze was cloudy. I saw heaven in those eyes, and you saw heaven in mine. Tears spilled from my cheeks and into your hands like pearls falling from the gates of heaven. You must've known you were getting closer because you gave me your ring that day.

"He was so much worse than I thought, grandma. He was so much worse."

The night you left, I howled like a wounded wolf through the double paned hospital glass. There must've been some more animal in me than we thought.

"I did it all right, grandma. I don't get it. I did everything right and I'm dying lonely."

"We all do, Winnie."

"Easy for you to say, you had grandpa."

"Had."

"But weren't you happy? Weren't you in love?"

"I didn't say I wasn't." Her face is a sculpture, wrinkles and folds pressed in by the hands of time.

"But this hurts. It hurts so bad."

"We fall in love and we pay the price."

The waitress slides a plate onto the table. Strawberries. I bring them to my lips. I almost expect you to be there. I close my eyes and let you tease me with the false promise of a kiss one last time.

[periwinkles-for-me]

friendship

i've always been a rather lonely person i think. i like to say i was just predisposed to it due to the circumstances that have surrounded me, but i've also seemed to hold myself back. i'm an only child, my parents both work full time. i had to entertain myself a lot growing up. but when i was young wasn't necessarily when it first started. at least, i wasn't exactly conscious of my own loneliness until i moved for the first time. a reset at 7 years old. having to make all new friends, losing the ones i had. because what 7 year old would be able to text and facetime their friends and not be bored? it was also a move to a bigger town, a less close knit community. it was harder then to make friends.

my only friend when i moved told me one day that they were sick of playing with me at lunch every day, and told me to hang out with my other friends sometimes. for the rest of the school year, every lunch time i would just walk around the school by myself, laps and laps. when your only friend tells you you're annoying, you tend to take it to heart. believe it or not i still continued being friends with this girl until i was 12.

for the five years i lived in this town, i danced. i spent every afternoon at the dance studio, and i made friends there. all my close friends were from dance. they all cared a lot about dance. i only cared about my friends. i dont think i wouldve ever spent that much time there if i wasn't afraid of being alone. of being left out. thats always being one of the scariest things for me. so i continued going deeper into dance, trying nearly every type, even becoming a competitive dancer, all to spend time with my friends. well, even to just be on the same level as them. i wasn't very good at dancing. but they were. i even withstood my ballet teacher that disliked me so much, to be in the same class as them.

when i moved schools in grade 5, i could finally go to school with them. i think those two years were the time i felt happiest. but because of past experience, i had created these little friendship tests in my mind. if they passed, it meant they cared about me. if they didn't, then i meant nothing to them. or at least, they were more important to me than i was to them. i honestly barely even remember the results. sometimes they would pass and i would ride that high for the rest of the day. if not, i wallowed in self pity until i felt loved again.

i think the three of them could probably be considered the closest friends i've ever had. at 12 i didn't have all these walls i do now, i didn't hold people at a distance. i allowed myself to show my emotions. i allowed myself to feel them.

at the end of grade 6, in august, i moved across the world.

i spent the 2 months of summer with my grandparents before parting with my homeland. then i spent 3 months in a house with only my father for company, due to the school years not lining up. i was lonely. i didn't continue dance. i thought i would be home in 6 months. i am still here.

i don't blame my parents for the choices they made in moving us. it was for the best. but it destroyed me. well, maybe destroyed is too strong a word. it fundamentally changed me and not for the better.

at the end of the year, i redid the last couple months of year 6. i tried to make friends, but i no longer searched for close ones. i already had close friends. i would be going back to them. it would hurt more if i became close with people here only to move back. this thought process was honestly my undoing. after i graduated year 6 for the second time, i cut off everyone from that school. i never spoke to them again. i never saw them again. i still feel guilty. i probably hurt them.

i'm sorry.

i spent another 2 months alone.

on halloween i think might've been the first time i truly felt the distance from my friends. it was the pictures of them all dressed up together, going trick or treating without me. but i knew if i still lived there i would've been with them. i would've been laughing in those photos. instead i was in my room, no plans to go anywhere, much less trick or treating, and completely alone. it was so devastating. i can't remember how much i cried. i am upset just remembering this. they never knew about this.

going into high school i, for the fourth time, had a fresh start. but i still believed i was going back. it had been extended to a year at this point. I continued to keep my distance. i made a total of two friends that year. except it was actually one. i really, really wish i could've made more. that i didn't naively believe we would actually be going back. i want to grab my 12 year old self and tell them to not close herself off. let herself get close to people.

of my three closest friends back 'home', one barely messaged me after i left. she wasn't good at keeping in touch. after a year i never really spoke to her again. only when i visited home did i see her. by the time i went back to visit at 15, she didn't even bother to come see me even though i was there for three weeks. i still considered her one of my closest friends. but she clearly didn't care about me anymore. i seem to do that a lot. put much more stock in a friendship than the other ever did. or maybe i just didn't have close friends. probably both. the second friend, she still messaged me, albeit rarely. but i could tell she cared. i'm realizing now how much that meant to me. it means so much. so so much. she made an effort for me. even though she moved to a different town, every time i went back she would come and see me, or at least try as hard as she could. even going back a year ago, she took a two hour ferry just to see me for a day. i can't think of a single other friend who has done that for me. and maybe two others who would've done that for me at any point of my life. i'm crying while writing this. i wish we still talked.

my third best friend was the one i kept in touch with the most. for the first two years we talked at least once a week. facetimed at least once a month. we continued to know everything about each other. shared everything that happened to us. it started to fade after a while. shorter responses. longer wait times. its natural after barely seeing each other for so long. but they were still my best friend to me. still the person i trusted the most. i didn't move on. they did. slowly i became an afterthought, a memory. i don't blame them. when you're still in the same environment with only one thing missing it doesn't feel as big of a deal. they had other friends. they just simply got closer to them instead. it wasn't like that for me. i was in a completely new place starting from scratch but believing i would go back eventually. i held on too tightly to my past. so eventually my closest friend who became my one true friend slowly forgot about me while i remained in my fantasy. it was a beautiful fantasy. if only it were real. he forgot my birthday almost every year. i cried every year.

at the age of 13 i had only one person at my birthday party. my only friend in this new place. but we were a group of three. the other one didn't like me that much. i didn't really understand why for a long time. but she would make sure i knew eventually.

in my second year of highschool my friend group grew bigger. it grew to 10 people even. of course, i wasn't that close with anyone. except my one friend. she was so kind. too kind. i had really wanted to be her friend. in my second year of highschool i was content. homesick, but i had someone i could talk to at school, a group to hang out with. i didn't look lonely.

(i was still lonely.)

that was the thing about my friendships here though that made them different from my friends back home. it was only at school. i didn't really see them any other time. as soon as the bell rang, i was alone again. i even lived far from the school where not a single other classmate lived. how ironic.

up until this point, i believe i still had faith in people. my friendship was given freely and i still felt okay.

year 9 is probably one of the worst years for me. it started with my trip back home, where my friend didn't even bother seeing me even after a year apart. throughout the year my friends started excluding me from things. camps they went on for school holidays i wasn't even informed of, joint birthday parties i didn't get invited to. no one even said anything about it in front of me, as if they knew what they were doing was wrong. it hurt. it hurt so much. i didn't even know why it was happening. why all my friends seemed to stop caring about me.

i found out 3/4's of the way through the year. there was a book. it was written about me. the last member of the trio when i was 13. we still weren't really friends, but i thought we were getting there. but i didn't know. i didn't know she hated me. i didn't know she wrote this book about me. i didn't know everyone in my friend group knew about it, had read it, had kept it from me. even my one friend. she had even written in it.

to this day i laugh it off. i pretend it doesn't affect me anymore. it runs too deep. my first true betrayal. that book fucked me up. it fucked with my confidence, my mental health, my idea of friendship, my loneliness. it destroyed my trust.

for months i pretended it didn't affect me. that i didn't care. it was then that i built the walls that surround me. brick by brick. what was once a veil became cold, hard stone. i'm still trying to learn how to have close friends. i still can't break that wall down. i built it too strong. i don't want it. i want nothing more than to take a wrecking ball and smash it down. why can't i smash it down?

i didn't really have any friends after that. i had people i sat with at school (though it changed every year). i had people i talked to in class. but after school every single day. i would walk home by myself. never lingering. never going out after. weekends were spent at home. during covid i didn't message anyone. i had thought i'd learnt how to be lonely. how to live with it. of course i hadn't.

to this day, i only tell people my thoughts, my feelings. i dont show them. i never show them. i dont know how. how does one show their emotions? how do you allow yourself to? how do you remove the protection you made for yourself? thats really all i want. please teach me how to have friends again. how do i open myself. please. i don't want to be lonely anymore.

[xsarcasticwriterx]

Childhood friends

Summary: y/n and negan have been friends forever and have done everything togother. When negans wife Lucille gets sick negan 1st tells her. This event leads to hell but also heaven.

Warnings: swearing,rated R jokes,angst

Recieving a text from negan was a daily occurence for y/n but mosf of them didnt say "get in here. Fast." Y/n walkes into negan office seeing a stressed negan sitting at his desk hyperventilating. "Hey hey breathe" she said running to his side kneeling beside him. She put her hand on his back alarming him to her presence. He turned looked at y/n. "Shes sick" is all he can say as tears fall from his eyes.

She knew negan was speaking of his wife Lucille. Negan had been speaking of this for a while saying how Lucille was getting test done and how he had to work overtime to get the money for some of them. Y/n would help when she could with extra money she had. Due to her living alone and spending most her time passing out at negans she usually ended up with a bit of money left to do as she pleased.

She stayed with negan till he calmed down. "So the test came back?" She asked. Negan nodded. "Its bad y/n" is all he said. The look in his eyes was as if he was begging y/n to do something. "I'm so sorry negan" she said hugging him. She felt negan crying into her shoulder. After a while he pulled away. "Sorry." Is all he said. "Hey...its ok..." she said.

"Want me to come back with you after?" Y/n asked negan. Y/n has known Lucille sense highschool and even introduced negan and Lucille. She really wanted to see Lucille before it got too bad but she didnt want to intrude on negans and lucilles time. Negan nodded. "Please....i cant do this alone." He said softly his voice slightly cracking. Y/n nodded.

School had ended so y/n sat sat with negan while he finished his work. They didnt say anything she knew negan was truly hurting and she didnt wanna bother him. When negan was silent she knew to not speak he was never silent always mouthing off about some bullshit. Negan closed his laptop looking up at y/n who was laid out on the couch asleep. Negan couldn't help but just think of all that had happened within the past few hours.

He looked at y/n thinking about how she was why he met Lucille in the first place and now......here he was. He walked over to y/n picking her up walking to his car. She buried her head into his shoulder. He layed he in the passenger side walking back to the drivers side. He sat down and broke into tears. He felt a hand upon his shoulder not long after. "Its ok. She'll be ok." Y/n said softly. She put her head on his shoulder.

They both knew it was a lie the results werent looking up for Lucille but they had to have hope they had to believe. At the moment negan didnt have much hope and y/n had to hope for them both. After a few negan started driving. They reached negans home in silence.

Negan just sat there staring at the house. "It'll be ok negan." Y/n said. Negan nodded. They walked to the door as negan stared at it. Y/n grabbed his hand and nodded. Negan nodded back. They opened the door to see an empty livingroom. Turning they saw a wasted Lucille in the kitchen. "Heeeeeeeeeeeey y/n" Lucille slurred. "She shouldnt be drinking riight?" Y/n said to negan. He sighed and shook his head. "No. No she shouldnt" he stared at his wife shaking his head before walking upstairs. "Well now is just us gals" Lucille said.

Y/n shook her head. "Lucille..." was all she got out. Negan didnt come down most the night and y/n spent most the night watching Lucille and trying to stop her from drinking more. She babbled on of childhood memories. Eventually y/n got fed up and stood up and started twoard the stairs. "Y/n" Lucille said soflty. Y/n turned. "When im gone......love him the way we both know you do. He'll need it." She said before crashing. Y/n knew what she meant hell anyone who wasn't negan knew what she meant.

Y/n has loved negan sense she was 4 years old. But inevitably life kicked in and negan chose everyone else but her. She walked up stares to see negan laying in bed. His eyes were closed but based on his breathing he was awake. Y/n layed next to him with her head on his chest. "She shouldnt be alone doing that" he grumbled. "She fell asleep" y/n replied. Negan sighed and not long after was he asleep. Y/n sighed. This was going to be hell. Y/n didnt know how negan was going to do it but however she could help she would. She walked down the hall flopping onto the guest bed staring at the ceiling most the night. Why did this have to be so stressful.

Y/n woke up to the smell of breakfast. Grumbling she pulled herself up and out of bed. Walking down she saw negan and Lucille close while cooking. You'd think being in love with your childhood bestfriend whos married would be difficult to restrain feelings but honestly......y/n just wanted negan happy in the end even if its not by her. But now....well Lucille has fucked that up by saying what she did. It repeated in her head all through the night and even now. How could she put that pressure on her how could she have no hope but stand there with negan like nothing happened. Though to her maybe nothing did happen.

Y/n walked to the counter and cleared her throat. They looked and smiled. "Morning y/n" negan said. "Mornin" she replied. "What yall making ?" She asked. "Pancakes and bacon" Lucille said cheerfully. "Your awfully peppy for as much as you drank" y/n said. "Heh well yknow just want to eat" she said giggling. Negan kissed he cheek before walking to the garage to work on his car while waiting.

"Lucille do you remember last night?" Y/n asked more wanting to know if she meant what she said. "I remember what i told you if thats what your asking. I meant what i said. We both know how you feel and we both know i cant fight this. I can feel myself getting weaker and even with your help we dont have the money to fight this. You love him and once im gone hes going to need that. You need to care for him and show him you love him." She said as if it was just another fact. "Your going to be ok Lucille." Y/n heard her voice crack and felt tears start to cloud her eyes. Lucille was still her only other friend outside of negan. Shed known her sense highschool and the thought of her dying.....it shattered her heart. Lucille rolled her eyes. Y/n couldnt take this she couldn't listen to her friend talk of how she was dying.

Y/n walked out to the garage with negan feeling her legs wobble and her heart break. Negan turned and smiled softly then frowned. "Whats wrong.....y/n" negan said walking to her. He grabbed her face making her look up at him. "Nothing." She said. Negan huffed and shook his head. "Fucking hell never one to talk....." he said. Grabbing her he pulled her to the front of the car. He opened the roof showing all the improvements he had done. She adored the car it had so many memories sense even before he could could drive it. She smiled admiring the shiny new improvements. "Heh thought that could get a fucking smile out of you." He said proud of himself. She nodded. "After breakfast lets go for a fucking ride what you say ?" He asked. She smiled and laughed "absofuckinglutely" she replied happily.

Breakfast was awkward well for y/n it was. She sat only with Lucilles words repeating over and over. She felt so much pressure. After negan did as he said and they went for a ride. Eventually he stopped at a park that they went to often as kids. He walked her to their "hiding spot" that now them as grown adults was not so hiden.

Surrounded by trees and plants they sat by a broken down bonfire that was used not to long ago in the week. They sat in silence for a while. "What you fucking thinking about so intensely?" Negan asked. "Your wife." She replied. Negan laughed at how it sounded. "What about her?" He asked. "Something she said to me....." she replied not knowing if she had the right to say what Lucille said.

"What the fuck she say?" Negan said clearly lost what she could've said to have taken up her thoughts so much. "Promise not to tell her i told you." She asked. "Shit y/n........sure.......what is it?" He asked. "She said when shes gone i need to love you the way i truly do." She said. Negan made a grumble and sighing sound before sitting up more. He rubbed his face. "Fucking hell" he said.

"I dont know what to do....." y/n said. "Im sorry" she appolagize. "Dont be sorry she shouldnt have said that.......fuck." he said. He rolled his eyes and turned to y/n. He hugged her close. "This is not on you. Its not on you to care for me and she shouldnt use your feelings like that." He said before releasing her. He held her face. He kissed her cheek before sighing. He walked back to the car y/n following behind.

They returned back later afternoon. Y/n went to take a shower. After she heard arguing downstairs. She knew she shouldnt have but she sat on the step hearing it. "Why would you tell her that?!" Negan yelled. "Well i wouldn't have if i known she was going to tell you like some puppy !!" Lucille said back. "She was worried!! She got nervous with all the pressure you put on her!!" Negan replied. After a while y/n couldnt stand to listen. Negan had broken a promise and the yelling was making her remember things shed rather forget.

She walked into guest room sitting on the bed. At some point.she mustve fell asleep cause she opened her eyes when her bed dipped. She saw negan laying next to her. "Hey" he said softly. "You promised" she replied. He looked ashamed. "I had to say something. She used your feelings and put too much pressure on you. She......she knows our history and she used it. I had to fix it" he said. "But you made it worse......and the yelling......." she mumbled. Negan didnt say anything after.

Negan pulled her closer. They stayed in silence till she fell alseep. Being told to be with negan wouldve been her dream at 15 but at this point with negan married and her being told if said wife dies to love him BY said wife. This hurt her but seeing how casual negan has been the whole time.....that not only hurt but scared her.

[msbellucci]

So I bought my furniture for the new place this afternoon. At first we went to living spaces, and my suegra wanted the ugliest fkn couch omg it was BLACK and the new place is hardwood like a sand color...it just wouldnt have matched at all. So finally we asked for help. The couch wouldnt be in stock for 6-8 weeks blahblahblah point is WE LEFT living spaces. We went to this Latino Costco called the Curacao. And my suegra who is Armenian was talking mad shit she was like "I dont wanna go to a place where it's Mexcian furniture..Mexican furniture is old and ugly." I kept my mouth shut because I wouldve said shut the fuck up racist ass bitch. My suegra had been coming at me all day..multiple times..and its just ridiculous. My man had to tell her to calm down. Anyways the latino Costco was dope af. I got the 2 sofas cuz my suegra sleeps on the couch bitch didnt give me a dollar to put down for her sofas..I bought my dining room set..my bedroom set...came out to a lot of money dude..this bitch didnt offer to put down a dollar. It's like wild. She was coming at me all crazy with an attitude all day today. I came home and cried a bit just cuz I had frustration built up. I was tired. We had left the house at 1 p.m to look for furniture..I got home at fkn almost 8 p.m thank God I got my furniture. Now I just need to go to IKEA for cute stuff I guess idk to decorate

[neopuff]

I wanna know what happened to your boss who stole your identity... if you feel like sharing you should make posts about it

i cant believe i woke up to over 20,000 notes on that fweiougbwe;goew OK HERE im gonna do this like a reddit relationships thread:

players are: B (boss/thief 27F), C1 (coworker 59F), C2 (coworker 40sF), and me (24F). not a lot.

i worked with B and C1 at Claire’s for well over a year. they knew i had money and yeah i’d let them borrow money to help pay their rent/car payments/etc and C1 always paid me back within a month but B always was like “ill pay you back soon” which was like ok its fine dont stress just…we have an ongoing relationship so i foolishly doubted she was going to steal from me right in front of my face lol

then B quits Claire’s and starts working at Express, promises me a great job at Express to the point where i’ve applied and filled out paperwork (yknow with my drivers license and my SSN) but that job never happened cuz B quit working there. (this is when B opened her first credit card using my information, for Express! which is a crazy expensive clothing store.)

B gets a job at Sally Beauty and tells me i should come work there (this is in july). well, i’m in grad school and i wasn’t going to work for the month of August cuz of friends coming to visit but i was like sure ill work extremely part-time at a store for hair and makeup since i know literally nothing about hair and makeup. C1 was also asked to come work there since the Claire’s we all used to work at was shut down (bankruptcy lol)

things are going fine for a while, C2 is working at Sally’s now too (she’s B’s aunt and they live together.) in September my parents bought a new house 5 and a half hours away and they ask me to house-sit until they move in, so obviously im gonna do that, so i give my two weeks (i gave more like a month but w/e) and on the day before i leave B calls me and says the reason i havent been getting paid by direct deposit is because they never got my drivers license photo. i say thats weird, did they lose it? and she says they mustve so i send her a pic of my license. cuz obviously i wont be in town to pick up my check so i need direct deposit.

ok so fast forward to this monday, C1 calls me and it starts off normal like “hi how are you howve you been” and then shes suddenly like “i have something important to tell you.” and she says C2 saw mail at her and B’s house with my name on it! C2 was complaining about it at work and C1 was like “wtf?” and thought that was suspicious and told me about it. shes like “make a creditkarma account and you can see any credit cards under your SSN”

i go to make a creditkarma account and weirdly enough theres already one under my SSN! and the email is literally [B’s last name][B’s first name]@outlook.com. she wasnt even being subtle or smart. she really thought i’d just never look or wouldnt care???? i dont KNOW.

so obviously i call all the credit report places and im like freeze everything and put fraud alerts on everything!! and i blocked B’s phone number and i blocked her on facebook cuz even if she had an explanation i genuinely wouldnt care at this point

i went to another credit report site for the details and B not only took out a $5000 loan (she bought a new car recently so probably for that), but she opened 7 other credit cards and applied for 25 others. she started this the DAY i left! theyre mostly credit cards for banks but theres the express card, a target card, a disney card????????? also B put her actual phone number and address into the system so theres no doubt that its her.

and then C1 calls me again to tell me that B quit her job at Sally Beauty less than an hour ago and im wondering if she knew i knew or coincidence? since B steals from companies she usually only works at each one for a few months each

so ok, tuesday morning i call the police and then i have to call every single bank and credit union to cancel these stupid fucking cards. i was on the phone for 6 hours (wouldve been longer but i had my online class) just repeating the same info over and over again. and then the police call me back like “so we just spoke to B, she played dumb for a bit but then confessed to everything” and that was a HUGE relief except that i still have 12 more card applications to cancel. cop said “she didnt really have an explanation other than she’d fallen on hard times” and i just…….dont care especially when she quits every job shes store manager of after less than a year. and yea she has two kids and a bum husband and a supportive close family

and it’s now wednesday afternoon cuz i slept thru the morning but i have to call all these other places AND i’m gonna have to drive 5 and a half hours back to my hometown for court sometime in the next two weeks. plus i have to fill out like 30 affidavits for all these banks and credit unions and give them the police report so they know im not lying

also my credit score has gone down significantly because of that Express card she got in March (she’d been doing minimum payments allowed so i wouldnt get notified despite racking up $475 at this one ugly store)

in less than a month she opened $20,000 worth of credit and spent $8400 of it. and since she just QUIT her job i can assume she wasnt planning on paying off any of that debt lol

anyway that’s where i’m at now, i dont know if shes going to jail or what. she sure as hell cant pay any fines. PLUS she already owed me $450 and i was gonna cut her some slack on it but now i want my $450 back lmao

[cucumbersncheese]

my grandma talked about ronak sometimes, so did my mom. When I was younger, they’d say, “There’s so much ronak from you laughing and talking” and i didn’t understand it deeply; only that it’s good for me to laugh and talk and smile unashamed because it made other’s happy. That was back when we lived in an apartment, and ever since we moved to a house it’s been so different- there’s not much ronak (“radiance” in english) anymore, and partly it’s bcz there’s so much more space that going downstairs wasn’t necessary often and partly bcz of me, because i stopped talking as much bcz i was sad. bcz i’d changed schools and houses and everything was different suddenly, i’d left ppl behind despite saying that i wouldnt do that, i hadnt gotten to say goodbye properly and i felt sad that i’d let down the kids who used to come over so often to get me to play with them bcz i was so insecure and i didn’t want to let them down, and he didn’t let me hold him bcz he felt hurt. it hurt so mcuh to say goodbye to the trees and the friendly faces and the flowers and the rain and the neighbours and the memories, the sunlight pouring in from the windows in the afternoon, the marks that i’d engraved into the closet, the memories, the people. and sure it was cramped because there was so many of us, sure there wasnt any personal space and im pretty certain that at some point the place was cursed, but it hurt. and my brothers were happy to have their own space properly finally, and that’s wonderful for them bcz they’re so much more in need of that than me. they said that i’ll get used to it and call this place home but i still visit it in my dreams, and i still remember it every single day even if it’s getting blurry now.

it’s not just the physical aspect it’s- people who arent alive now were alive back then, people who aren’t with me right this second were with me at that particular point in time. people i loved and cherished, neighbours that were there when things went to shit, memories and memories and cherished people and smiles and waving and running to the tuition place with the lady who worked at our house who later got married and i didnt see her anymore. people i loved that for whatever reason, i don’t see them anymore, i dont know them anymore. and ive just been a mess and havent been able to bring back any “radiance” anymore, not the way that i used to, bcz now the numbers are getting smaller and smaller and grandma and mother are getting tired and tired. mother was always tired to begin with. she didnt want to live anyway, she told me so multiple times as a child.

i’m so scared of the numbers getting even smaller, i’m so scared of visiting graveyards and staring at stupid mounds of dirt. i’m scared of seeing my darling cousins cry again like that, but i know they will and i know i’ll be there for them but i just want to be there for them properly in the ways that they need. i’m scared of my mom howling like that again. i’m scared of my grandmother looking smaller than ever and shaking like a leaf again. i’m scared of my uncle crying and crying and crying without stopping, my aunt not being able to handle it anymore and retreating to cry into her hands, my other aunt staring vacantly like that. i dont like the silence, the lack of radiance. if i’m loud enough, it can be heard everywhere. if i laugh hard enough, maybe other’s will laugh with me. if i joke enough, they wont have time to be sad.

my cousins told me, “maheen if you werent here, i dont know what we wouldve done- we wouldve been a worser mess.” my grandmother told me, “you bring life and light, you’re like a fresh breeze. you make people happy.” she also told me while crying, “he always asked for you, he always asked where you were, and i said that you were upstairs and busy” i wasnt there. i wasnt there the times i shouldve been, i wasnt there bcz i was too sad. what a bunch of bullshit honestly. and theres no point in feeling sad about it or frustrated so im not but its a fact- it couldve been better. i couldve been better. i couldve been a better granddaughter. i couldve been more loving. i couldve made things better, bcz ihave it in me, i can do it. but i didnt. and that... doesnt make me feel anything at all.

[myempireofdirt]

i wish i told you how you made me feel safe. you made me feel like i was home. i wish i told you how i never wanted anything more than to see you happy, to make you happy, to give you everything you ever needed and wanted. like i know i could. i wish i told you how when you smiled it was like the world stopped. i wish i told you that when i looked into your eyes it was like the afternoon sunlight hitting a glass jar of golden honey, and oh how i would get lost in them. i wish i told you how the freckles across your nose and cheeks made me smile at the thought of how much you loved the sun and ocean and how much trouble i know you get up to - its your youthfulness. i wish i told you how when i would talk about you to my friends i could never ever stop smiling. i wish i told you how i wanted to take you on endless adventures, taking pretty polaroids and filling my camera roll with photos of you. i wish i told you how you added to my happiness and made me want to grow to be better for you. i wish i told you how i knew how to love you the way i knew you needed. i wish i told you how i wanted to keep you safe from the world and everything bad. i wish i told you that i wouldve moved heaven and earth to give you anything and everything. i wish i told you that everytime you kissed me it made my stomach turn with butterflies. i wish i told you how your touch lit my soul on fire and made me catch my breath. i wish i told you how every love song reminded me of you and oh how i would dance around the house singing and imagining the day it would be you and me. i wish i told you how much i cared about you and how i thought you were the most amazing person to walk this earth. i wish i told you how much your mind intrigued me and how i wanted to learn everything about you knowing i would never get tired of understanding you. i wish i told you that i know i would have kept every promise i would have made. i wish i told you how everytime i saw you cry it broke a little piece off my heart, and oh how i would buy the stars to see you smile again. i wish i told you that i would have kept your heart safe. i wish i told you that i wanted to pick you up every time you fell down. i wish i told you how seeing your name come up in my phone never failed to make me smile. i wish i told you how i never wanted you to go through your demons alone, i wanted to fight with you. i wanted to fight for you. i wish i told you how i would wait forever for you. i wish i told you that there was no one in this world with a softer more loving heart than you. i wish i told you that your sense of humour drove me crazy. i wish i told you that i valued you so much more than you could ever understand. i wish i told you how you would never be my second option, as every night i wished for you to be mine, you would have been my world. i wish i told you how you put the stars in my eyes. i wish i told you how i wanted to watch you grow and help you be the best version of you. . i wish i told you how every place i ever went to, i wished for you to be with me. i wish i told you how you never ever left my mind. i wish i told you how content i was just being in your company. i wish i told you that the reason why i always chose my words carefully is because i never wanted to hurt you and i never wanted to be too much. i wish i had the courage to share with you what ran through my mind every time i looked at you, or hugged you or felt you next to me. but for now and forever, ill keep those wishes in a jar, dreams for when im asleep, and silently wish you the best and all the happiness the world could ever give you, because thats all that you will ever deserve.

[runawayruthie-blog]

No need to be a Princess

Day 20 : Vietnam / Laos : Hanoi/ Vientiane

Today was spent chilling and lazing around our hotel rooms waiting to leave for the airport. We as a group had decided to treat Sambo to a pair of runners (Trainers as the English had me saying on this whole trip)😂. Bec and lew were sent on the mission to purchase the right ones and collect all the dollas. After check out we gave Sambo the trainers (see its what I call them now🙈), he was very surprised and didn't know what to say. It was nice to give something back to him after all his hard work on the first half of the trip, he still had loads of work to do with us for the next half especially as we had a flight to catch today. We loaded onto the bus at half 1 to set off to Hanoi airport to catch our short flight to the capital of Laos, Vientiane. The flight was a v.short one, only 50 mins, Michael O'Leary could learn a thing or two from Lao Airline which is Laos equivalent to Ryanair. The flight itself was a short 50 mins, wasnt full and each passenger got served a snack 20/25 mins into the flight, who wouldve thought snacks were needed on such a short trip. once Landed with went through immigration as per usual when moving through the different countries there was Vietnameses immigration then Laos Immigration were we paid $35 for the visa. It was then time to get a short bus journey to our hotel in Vientiane where we'd stay for 1 night only. We all headed out to dinner as a group, I accidentally left my phone on the sofa in the lobby and only noticed when I got to the restaurant so I told Sambo and he headed back to the hotel to have a look for it because when he rang they said it wasnt there. Little did I know the girls had picked it up and hadnt given it back to me. I was ragin'😂. I felt awful for unintentionally making Sambo walk back to the hotel for me. Thankfully I didnt loose my phone but unfortunately I never got the girls pack for taking it 🙈. After dinner went bowling, which was great fun, I came second in my team but 5th overall.

Day 21: Laos - Vientiane/Vang Vieng

Tuk Tuk time again, majority of the group decided to explore Vientian themselves but some of us decided tog et a Tuk Tuk tour. We were brought to the main attractions of Vientiane. We saw That Luang, Patuxai Victory Monument, The Cooperative Orthotic and Prosthetic Enterprise (COPE) Centre and Wat Si Saket. I enjoyed this tour but I think it wouldve been better if we'd known exactly what places we were stopping at and why they were important. After a bit of googling when I got back I figured it. My favourite park of the tuk tuk tour was visiting the COPE  Centre, here we watched a documentary about how the US had a Secret war with Laos.The CIA backed a secret army in Laos to help fight the communist Pathet Lao and North Vietnamese between 1961 and 1973.. A lot of innocent people died during this period, almost 50,000. In 1964 Us warplanes carried out 580,000 bombing missions over Laos and dropped and almost 2.3 million tons of bombs. It is said that the in following years 200 peeople died per year due to bombs that hadn't initailly exploded when dropped. There is still a number of cluster bombs, bomb remenants and undenoated bombs all across Laos, innocent people are still dying due to these bombs. In the documentary we saw that the people of Laos collect the scrap metal to sell but sometimes that ''scrap metal'is a bomb. In the worst case secarnios the bombs have exploded and killed men, women and children. The COPE centre helps rehabilitate people that have been become victims of the unexploded bombs. They make prosthetic limbs and help with physio.  It was a real eye opening experience.  Once we got back from our Tuk Til tour we got lunch in JOMA bakery then hit the road to Vang Vieng.  The drive was amazing, the roads were meandering through the mountains, the view was just spectacular. Once we arrived to our hotel we headed out to dinner and then to my absolute favourite place...the Irish pub! ☘ You can take the girl out of Ireland but you can't take Ireland out of the girl. They had live music and Irish beer, which I didn't have cause yano Guinness is just to heavy for moi.

t

Day 22: Laos - Vang Vieng

Have I kayaked before? Yes. Have I zip lined before? No. Spend the day doing both, hell yeah!. We spent our day kayaking down the Nam Song River. It was unbelievable, as Jenna said it felt like we were trapped in a computers home screen it was that pretty. I think my kayaking buddy, Katja, was not impressed with me at the beginning due to our boat capsizing. In my defence, I was fixing my go pro and she could've steered!( isn't that right katja 😂😂).its all part of the experience, we weren't the only one either. After kayaking we got to go ziplining, it was epic. I couldn't tell you night they were but the sign said over 200m, I'm just not sure if that was height or the distance it went. Once we had the adrenaline rush of zip lining, we went tubing in a cave, after we went for a walk through the cave with just a headlight to guide us through that pitch black. After an extremely eventful day we headed out for dinner in mind other than the Irish pub from the day before. This turned into a night out where I got punched in the face....accidentally, but hey it still happened. I was home relatively early, I don't think I'm cut out for late nights anymore.

Day 23: Laos - Luang Prabang

Majority of the day was spent travelling from Vang Vieng to Luang Prabang. We had one very sick passenger on this journey due to very little sleep, hangover and windy roads. Poor Lew 🙁, it was self inflicted though😂. It took almost 5 hours to get to Luang Prabang, again driving through the mountains on the long windy roads. The sights were beautiful especially where we stopped for lunch. It was breathe taking. Once we arrived at our hotel, we headed out with Sambo on an orientation walk of the quaint little town. We got brought to the food market and the night market, here we tried buffalo jerky and coconut pancakes?( I think that's what they were called). I wasn't a fan of the pancake but the buffalo jerky was delicious. It was then time for dinner, some went to Joma bakery whole the rest of us went to the food market. Here we got a to choose what meat we want and it was barbeques in front of us. I must say the food there was actually one of the best meals of the trip, it was so tasty.

Day 24: Laos - Luang Prabang

Today we got a well deserved lie in😍.  When I say lie in breakfast was at 8:30am, but after so many early mornings if consider it a lie on.  To fill our afternoon on Luang Prabang we went to a bear Sanctuary and the Kuang Si waterfalls. We explored the bear sanctuary and saw one 3 legged bear. They are wonderful animals, so playful with each other. After the bears we went to see the amazing waterfall that is Kuang Si Fall. I find myself saying "it was spectacular" or "there are no words to describe it", in this case I think the picture will speak the 1000 words I'm looking for. Once we got back to the hotel it was a quick change into respectful clothes to walk up 299 steps( thanks for counting Laura) to watch the sunset at Wat Chom Si temple. It was well worth climbing the step stairs to watch, it was magnificent again the pictures will speak a thousand words.

Day 25: Laos - Luang Prabang/ Pak Beng

Rise and shine! Another early start to head to our slow boat journey down the Mekong River to where we would be staying at our last honesty of the trip. Expectations had been lower as requested. The thought of the slow boat journey was worse than the journey itself, I coloured, read, watched Riverdale and played some card games. The 8/9 hour boat journey actually flew. We arrived at our home stay in Pak Beng. Pak beng is a minority village where the people speak their own language and not Lao. It is a very poor village. When we first arrived I was disappointed to hear there was no shower like the last homestay, but I eventually embraced being sweaty as did everyone else. We met the chief of the village who offered us their drunk of choice Rice wine mixed with beer Lao, it tasted of beer that hadn't been fully brewed. We played with the children, taught them a few words of English then had dinner. We were then showed to our rooms, when Sambo asked for 3 girls to volunteer, little did I know he was putting us in the chiefs house which was made of actual concrete unlike everyone else's accommodation. The rest of the group were split into 3 groups all boys together and all the girls together, it was against their beliefs to allowed men and women share a bed unless they were married. After a bit of a sing song with a drunk Sambo, we headed to our beds to try catch a few zZz's which turned out to be pretty impossible due to the massive storm thundering against the metal roof. Counting down the minutes until 5:30am so I could get up and get onto the boat to pee, brush my teeth and warm up. Even though the homestay was a massive culture shock, it was a great experience to see how those people lived with little to nothing, then we came strolling in giving out about not have a shower and whatnot, it gives you a different perspective on life.

Day 26: Laos/Thailand - Pak Beng/ Chiang Khong

Today was out last day in Laos and it was to be spent on another slow boat to the Laos/Thailand border. After the most dangerous walk of my life down from the village in the pouring rain to the boat, I was final able to have "shower" using a helluva lot of deoderising wipes, brushed my teeth and peed on toilet rather than into a hole in the ground!. It was glorious!. Breakfast was served around 7:30/8, it was good just eggs and bread. Later on our boat crashed into some rocks ( I think) which cut the engine out so we had to swap boats, luckily enough there was boat heading to the border to pick up a group doing the trip the opposite way to us. Once on the other boat, we started playing card games mainly spit, which I taught to anyone who would listen 😂. We had a championship to see who was the best spit player of the group. I then went for a short 2 hour nap, it was glorious. Finally we arrived at the border, got through the immigration process easy peasy and then we were on the way to out next hotel.

[unicornninjabitch]

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™  I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.